Today I felt an urge to write about something but couldn’t seem to find inspiration, so i put on some good music, danced around for a while and decided that today just wasn’t the day. But before I gave up all hope I opened the drawer to my side table took out my scrap book to go through my previous scribbles and see if a blank page could ignite my creativity…..that’s when I found the note.
I couldn’t believe my eyes…my brain rejected the possibility of the existence of such a letter written by me…but turns out that on 13/2/2016 I was SO bummed out by life that I wrote a suicide note!!
Just realized that this was a day before valentines….and this was not a desperation act by a single lady, I was engaged then and am still. SO FUCK!! I was really messed up that day.
I am not going to share what I wrote cause sometimes my loved ones read this blog…wouldn’t want to hurt them.
Though I want to say to anyone who is, will ever or has already thought about suicide that its a really stupid idea!! killing yourself is not solving any problem its just making life worse for those who actually care about you. And I understand that at a point when you think of killing yourself you are in that state of mind that you think that no one really cares….but NO that’s not true!!! There are people who love you and even if there aren’t DON’T JUST GIVE UP…fight for the life you have on earth mostly because we don’t know what comes after…for all you know its something worse. No matter how bad it is, give your brain a workout and count your blessings.
P.S. Honestly I don’t even remember what was so bad that I thought of suicide, thank God I didn’t do anything foolish then.
“Its okay to think about things just don’t let them become you” said by a wise ass (cause she is wise and has one hell of an ass 😉 )
One night I was talking to wise ass (lets just call her that) about my opinion of myself, which by the way is very negative. And no! I was not fishing for complements (which some might understand and others will never), she is just one of those people in my life who I can blabber anything to and she’ll help me figure it out. Not just that…she also knows exactly what to say and when to say it; according to me very few humans have that quality.
OKAY! I admire her too much, so I’m gonna need to write a separate post expressing that love.
Coming back to what she said… what she made me realize is that when we are trying to figure ourselves out, we judge ourselves and we put ourselves in a certain light . What we (or I) need to realize at this point is that our judgement might be wrong…. I’m not sure if I am making any sense right now……over explanation time:
Lets suppose that I think of myself as a materialistic person, obviously I have come to this conclusion after I took note of my behavior in certain situations BUT what I did not take in account is ‘has someone other than myself ever seen me in that light?’ or even that the way I understand the meaning of being materialistic might be different from how others see it. So there are chances that I could be wrong about myself but if I keep calling myself materialist….I might just become it (not that there is anything wrong in being materialistic) or if I say it out loud, then even if others don’t want to they will judge me as such.
Conclusion being if I keep thinking negative about myself I will become it…..I realize that this sounds simple to understand, but I only figured this out after talking to wise ass.
All this makes a lot of sense in my head… but I’m weird. Let me know if you understand why I wrote this.
P.S. Surround yourself with wise asses, they make this world a better place.